Recent events made me realize I had this on my computer. I started this last year for a group I am a part of that is trying to produce some stuff. Very cheesy and rough copy that didn’t get past the first round of our writers table, hence it stayed in poor shape. I still like the concept.
EDDIE, IBRAHIM AL-QUSI and a TERRORIST GUARD sit near a
campfire near a mouth of a cave. Make shift pots, pans and
cooking utensils are scattered around the campfire.
Welcome to Outlaw Cooking, where
we’ve embedded ourselves with the
real bad boys of cooking. As you
can tell, we’re not on the set of
Minute to Win it, we’re in a remote
location near the Afghanistan and
Pakistan border. Today we’re going
to throw down with the terrorists.
The Terrorist Guard angrily points his weapon at Eddie.
Ibrahim grabs the barrel of the gun and pushes it back down
to the guards side.
Whoa, whoa, throw down is just a
playful term the network uses.
It’s OK, he not so smart. If he
completes this assignment
successfully, he gets promoted to
Terrorist Guard quickly flashes a grin to the Eddie.
Really? Oh well, as you may have
noticed already our guest is
IBRAHIM AL-QUSI. He’s been a chef
for Al Qaeda and the Taliban in
this region for about 9 years and
has opened several roadside
Business is, how you say, booming!
For a chef, you have extremely poor
taste. Anyway, today we are going
to see how a terrorist on the run
can still find time to cook a good
One of the first things we teach
new terrorists is how to find and
cook food fast. Tell Rachel Ray,
30 minutes, too long.
I can tell you, I’ve been at this
location for about an hour and a
few drones have already come close.
Too close. As you can see most our
cooking equipment is very
rudimentary. We must be ready to
move quickly sometimes. I had a
nice Calaphon set that was
vaporized by a predator drone.
Professional Non Stick II, oh what
I would do to cook on them again.
Allah willing one day I will.
So quick good food is very
important to terrorists.
Where we are located yes. For our
comrades that have taken shelter in
Pakistan and Iran, they can prepare
elaborate meals. A fellow chef in
Iran likes to prank my satellite
phone, he calls asking for slow
I hear a little jealously in that
voice. I say we start cooking. What
are we going to make today.
The terrorist holds up some sort of fowl.
Today we have a special treat for
our infidel guests from the Food
Network. This is a favorite of Mr.
That looks like some kind of fowl,
maybe quail. Quail is very abundant
in this area.
Exactly, its a quail. Very funny
story. We were all out stoning a
local woman because her husband had
Yes, she was a hoar. Anyway some
of the stones flew into the brush
behind her and stirred up several
quail. We were able to get some for
Sounds like a bad joke.
No, it was a gift from Allah for
doing his bidding. Infidel. Ok, so
ee could cook quail over the open
fire but that would take too much
time. So when we want to quickly
cook our quail, we cook them on
The Terrorist Guard produces a George Foreman grill from a
duffle bag. Together the terrorists put the quail on the
Yes, George Foreman. Contact
grilling, very fast, very easy. We
can cook, eat and clean in twenty
Seriously I came out here, to see
you cook on a Foreman?
Do not disrespect us infidel. You
want to see how terrorists cook,
well now you see.
I apologize, I did not mean to
offend you. Do you at least use
Of course, we’re not cavemen.
Eddie looks around at the surroundings, it is a cave. A
beep goes off.
Well, it’s done, would you like to
Eddie takes quail off a plate the Terrorist is handing him.
Sure. Umm, this is actually better
than I expected.
Yes, very good.
A loud drone flies over head, several close explosions
See my infidel friend we must go.
They start to scatter, only grabbing the Foreman Grill.
Well, I guess that’s it for this
week. Join us next week as we
venture into the real Hells
Kitchen. Well at least a Hell’s
Angels kitchen. And remember, you
can always find the Most Wanted
Chefs, on Outlaw Cooking every
Tuesday at nine on the Food